In April 2018..me and ryan found out we was expecting baby number 2!
This was a complete shock..we couldn’t believe it – as soon as we found out we just laughed thinking what an earth do we do now. It was crazy. I was going to have two babies under two how was I going to tackle this one!?
We paid for an early reassurance scan and there it was..our baby bean on the screen – we was six weeks pregnant.
We could not wait to share our news with everyone so we both excitedly told our families and posted on our social media’s…Amelia was going to be a big sister!!!
Unfortunately only a few days after we’d shared our news with everyone I started bleeding, I was losing our baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it..💔
I was sat up googling most of that night reading any stories I could, could my baby survive this? Ryan was telling me to just be positive, I was really trying but alls I was reading was horror stories.
We went to the hospital where we had the nightmare that I was going through confirmed that we’d ‘lost’ our baby.
I hated the word ‘lost’ lost as in…I’d just been to the shop and lost it on my way..no this was my baby..our baby.
I remember going home and doing nothing but crying, crying because I could do nothing..but wait it all out and let Mother Nature take its course.
My mum took Amelia for the night and me and Ryan sat at home whilst I snuggled my hot water bottle to try and ease the horrendous pains.
I hated the fact I was now going to have to explain to everyone why I wasn’t going to have my baby, my double pram…Amelia wasn’t going to be a big sister.
I had to write the most heartbreaking status and I have never had as many messages from people saying that they had been through the same thing.
We received so many touching messages, so much love and so many ‘me too’s’ from lots of our friends and family.
Why is miscarriage another one of those things that no body talks about?!!!
The chances of miscarriage are 1 in 4..I was one in 4.
I understand that some women might want to keep this to their selves..however I feel that sharing my experience with my friends on Facebook helped me get through the horrendous situation.
I was able to talk about losing my baby openly and not have to keep this awful secret. Bottling things up is never a good idea.
We had to go back to the hospital a few times to ensure that ‘everything’ had come away as it should have done.
We got given a little bag, it had an angel key ring in it, a box of seeds for some flowers that were forget me knots and a poem..this was the most touching thing ever.
I still have no idea who made the bags up, but I know that it was one of the things that helped us to move on.
We went out and bought a yellow/green plant pot and planted the seeds in the garden..our angel keyring still hangs in Ryan’s car so our little bean is still with us wherever we go.
I will always wonder who you was, was you a boy or a girl? What would you have looked like? Would you of had my nose? Your daddy’s eyes?
Somethings I will never ever know..but I know that a piece of my heart left me that day you went…you may only have been tiny but you was still half of me and half of your daddy.
Yes, my baby barley even had a heartbeat at 6 weeks but it still counts.
It’s okay to feel all these things and be sad…to always know – you are not alone. 💛