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Just Alice

Hi! My name is Alice and I just want to introduce myself.

I’m 23 years old and I have two beautiful children – Amelia Grace who is 2 and Louis James who is 9 weeks.

I’m also engaged to Ryan who I would be completely lost without.

This is a blog about just general day to day life with two children under 3 with all the added extras in there.

I hope you enjoy having a nosey into my life and if you wish to leave any comments – please feel free to do so!

Enjoy!

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Meeting Ryan…

Okay so this part isn’t exactly to do with motherhood but it will all make sense in the end!

In November 2015 I had just come out of a long and toxic relationship, I was only 19 and still young. I was living at home with my parents and after being in my previous relationship for 3 years there was no way I was ready to meet anyone and settle down anytime soon!

In the December, all my friends were using the dating app Tinder. After days of friends pushing me to sign up and “see what happens” I reluctantly obliged. Little did I know that Tinder would guide me one step closer to meeting the love of my life.

Me and Ryan matched on tinder and started the whole texting process, we then eventually met on the 14th of December 2015 whilst we was both on separate nights out with our friends.

Things quickly progressed and we went on weekends away and was absolutely loving the ‘honeymoon’ period. In May 2016 I knew I felt a little weird so decided to do a pregnancy test….two blue lines later I told Ryan we was having a baby.. and from that moment then, I knew that this was the start of our parenthood journey.

Are we crazy?!

When we found out we was having Amelia we moved into a little two up two down house, it was perfect and big enough for me and ryan…what would it be like with three of us?

Well as you can imagine we was sooooon bursting at the seams!! Kids toys everywhere our bedrooms were tiny and there was soooo not enough room to bring another baby into this house!

So that was it, we got house hunting. Renting a 3 bed house where we live is around £800 a month – just for rent…so one day I had an absolutely crazy idea.

‘Let’s see if my parents will have us back so we can save up for a deposit for a house’ I said…not thinking ryan would go for this idea – at all.

He moved out at 16 and there’s no way he’d want to live with my parents…why would he? Bearing in mind my mum is a real ‘mums mum’ she likes to make sure you’ve got everything you need, enough food, your clothes are washed and dried, wants to help in any way she can.. always makes a real fuss about you (which obviously I love) but As ryan left home at a young age he wasn’t used to this..so there is absolutely no way he’d agree.

A few minutes later…I got my answer….YES…

So that was that..we spoke to my parents and they agreed.

We sold all of our furniture, packed up our personal belongings and the three of us and bump moved back to my parents 3 bed 1 bathroom house in November 2018 so we could save up for a deposit for a mortgage.

We sat down with a spreadsheet and worked out all of our outgoings and what we’d be able to save every month..all the un-essential spending stopped..we traded expensive days out for days at the park and we soon managed to save a deposit.

I mean a few days after we’d moved back home we didn’t realise how much space we had at our old house.

Amelia had my childhood bedroom still painted the same as I painted it when I was a teenager and me and ryan settled into my sisters old bedroom.

This house is literally bursting…

4 adults 1 child soon to be two and two dogs…what an earth was we thinking.

Age 22 and 27 and we was moving back into my parents house, the struggle was going to be hard, after living on our own and having our own space we was now under someone else’s roof trying to still live as our little family of three.

Well 8 months down the line and now with an extra baby we are still here…oh don’t forget we’re now 23 and 28 and Amelia turned two and we now have a baby!

We looked at the new build houses in our area and managed to reserve our plot…this isn’t going to be our ‘forever home’ because at the moment Ryan still isn’t qualified for his job (he’s a quantity surveyor) you have to do 5 years at uni to qualify, so whilst studying, working full time and juggling family life he’s coming up to doing his year 4 at university.

Once ryan is fully qualified and I decided what I want to do we will eventually move into our forever home, but for now…this is our starting home, a place where we can get on the property ladder and have something to call ‘ours’.

We have done all the paperwork and the house will hopefully be ready to move into before Christmas!!

As much as I love my parents, I think moving back home when you have a family of your own is absolutely mental thing to do…without them helping us out and letting us home we would never have been in a position to be able to buy our own house..so for that I am utterly and completely grateful that I have such amazing parents. ❤️

Our rainbow baby 🌈

After April we had decided that we wanted to wait before we had another baby – however I was on no contraception and we wasn’t trying in any way to stop getting pregnant….if it happened it happened.

In August 2018 we booked a family holiday for something else to look forward to, so we could spend some quality time with our little family as a three before ryan went back to Uni.

A couple of months later in October I felt ‘funny’ my boobs were sore I just felt weird. I told ryan we needed to do a pregnancy test and he just laughed it off.

I think we was both absolutely petrified of the reality that if we was pregnant again, that all of the previous months that we tried so hard to get through would be happening all over again, That we’d be planting another lot of seeds in our garden and that we would only ever be a family of three.

A few days later we bit the bullet and decided to do a pregnancy test, yes…there it was…two blue lines.

I can’t even remember how I felt at the time, I think I just felt so….lost but excited and so many different emotions.

What would people think? Would people think we’ve just forgotten about the trauma we’ve just endured or will people be happy for us?

I have always been one of those people who really cares what people think, who cares about what people have to say about me..I was so worried about telling people.

As soon as I found out – from that point on I was absolutely dreading going for a wee…every time I would go to the toilet I would think; ‘is this it? Is it going to be today?’ I was so worried i was just going to relive the last few months again.

We went for our 8 week midwife appointment and asked if we could have an early scan to put our minds at ease, to make sure from a professionals point of view that this wasn’t going to happen again, however we just got brushed off as it was a ‘one off’…now I do really wish that we’d have pushed further and kept requesting early scans.

But hey ho, it’s happened now!

We decided that we wanted to ease our minds and pay for a private scan, we again went to our local scan place and saw our happy little baby on screen…I cried buckets…I was so so happy that our baby was ok, it had a heartbeat and was actually okay!

We decided to share the news with our friends and family on our social media and we again got SO much support from everyone…we was not quite 12 weeks but we needed to celebrate our baby!

We finally had our 12 week scan to be told our baby was growing perfectly and our due date would be the 17th of May 2019.

As I sit here and write this I wonder why we get told not to share our news of having a baby before 12 weeks, why shouldn’t we celebrate regardless or not if anything awful happens…your still a parent?! Shout it from the rooftops and if you do have a loss….then you will receive SO much support from people, you can not even imagine.

We was finally blessed with our rainbow baby 🌈💗💙

Our Loss

In April 2018..me and ryan found out we was expecting baby number 2!

This was a complete shock..we couldn’t believe it – as soon as we found out we just laughed thinking what an earth do we do now. It was crazy. I was going to have two babies under two how was I going to tackle this one!?

We paid for an early reassurance scan and there it was..our baby bean on the screen – we was six weeks pregnant.

We could not wait to share our news with everyone so we both excitedly told our families and posted on our social media’s…Amelia was going to be a big sister!!!

Unfortunately only a few days after we’d shared our news with everyone I started bleeding, I was losing our baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it..💔

I was sat up googling most of that night reading any stories I could, could my baby survive this? Ryan was telling me to just be positive, I was really trying but alls I was reading was horror stories.

We went to the hospital where we had the nightmare that I was going through confirmed that we’d ‘lost’ our baby.

I hated the word ‘lost’ lost as in…I’d just been to the shop and lost it on my way..no this was my baby..our baby.

I remember going home and doing nothing but crying, crying because I could do nothing..but wait it all out and let Mother Nature take its course.

My mum took Amelia for the night and me and Ryan sat at home whilst I snuggled my hot water bottle to try and ease the horrendous pains.

I hated the fact I was now going to have to explain to everyone why I wasn’t going to have my baby, my double pram…Amelia wasn’t going to be a big sister.

I had to write the most heartbreaking status and I have never had as many messages from people saying that they had been through the same thing.

We received so many touching messages, so much love and so many ‘me too’s’ from lots of our friends and family.

Why is miscarriage another one of those things that no body talks about?!!!

The chances of miscarriage are 1 in 4..I was one in 4.

I understand that some women might want to keep this to their selves..however I feel that sharing my experience with my friends on Facebook helped me get through the horrendous situation.

I was able to talk about losing my baby openly and not have to keep this awful secret. Bottling things up is never a good idea.

We had to go back to the hospital a few times to ensure that ‘everything’ had come away as it should have done.

We got given a little bag, it had an angel key ring in it, a box of seeds for some flowers that were forget me knots and a poem..this was the most touching thing ever.

I still have no idea who made the bags up, but I know that it was one of the things that helped us to move on.

We went out and bought a yellow/green plant pot and planted the seeds in the garden..our angel keyring still hangs in Ryan’s car so our little bean is still with us wherever we go.

I will always wonder who you was, was you a boy or a girl? What would you have looked like? Would you of had my nose? Your daddy’s eyes?

Somethings I will never ever know..but I know that a piece of my heart left me that day you went…you may only have been tiny but you was still half of me and half of your daddy.

Yes, my baby barley even had a heartbeat at 6 weeks but it still counts.

It’s okay to feel all these things and be sad…to always know – you are not alone. 💛

Postnatal Depression

We brought Amelia home from the hospital and I remember just plonking this tiny little baby down in her car seat in the middle of the front room floor and saying to ryan ‘what do we do now?’

This was possibly one of the hardest and most difficult times of my life.

I was 19, I had never even held a baby before having Amelia let alone looked after one..now this tiny little baby relied on me to care for her, to feed her and to completely shower her with love and affection.

I was struggling so much, I didn’t know what to do. I remember the health visitor coming round and just telling her I was SO happy and I was loving being a mum – when in actual fact…it was a complete lie and I was struggling so much, I would cry regularly because I didn’t have an instant bond with my baby.

Ryan had to take over and then I’d cry again because I couldn’t settle my baby and she’d want ryan instead. It was like a vicious circle.

The dreaded day came and Ryan went back to work after having his paternity leave and I had never even changed her nappy in the first 2 weeks..I had completely rejected my baby.

It’s quite a blur thinking about it all now…but I look back at pictures and I know that I should have been better, I should have loved my baby more than I did, picked her up more, cuddled her more but I didn’t…I couldn’t.

I was so worried about what people would think of me, what would people say to me? You always get those people who tell you your doing it wrong or judge you when your baby is screaming the place down…so I spent most of my time in my pyjamas at home….I didn’t want to be judged about the way I was feeding my baby or holding my baby, who does?! We didn’t attend any baby classes. I didn’t know any other people with babies so I just sat at home and indulged in Jeremy Kyle for 4 months – until I went back to work.

Postnatal Depression is just one of ‘those things’ than nobody really talks about, you don’t want to tell the midwife or the health visitors that your feeling this way because what if they judge me? What will happen to my baby? I suffered in complete silence and not even Ryan knew what I was feeling.

I completely regret not talking about it all now and how I felt at the time, I could of had so much more help.

I just wish I could turn the clock back and speak to someone about it. I have complete mum guilt about the whole situation – but I can’t go back and change anything. I just have to try and be the best mum I can be now and shower her even more with love and affection.

If you are suffering from postnatal depression or any kind of depression or maybe even just feeling low..please just speak to someone – my inbox is ALWAYS open.

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’

Amelia Grace

So as I’ve said in my previous post that I was only 19 when I found out that I was pregnant with Amelia.

I felt that I was still SO young, however ryan was 24 and we decided that we really wanted this baby..our little bean was due to arrive on the 16th of January 2017.

So in August we both packed up our tiny bedrooms at home with our parents and moved into our rented house…we was going to make so many memories in this house with our new little bundle of joy! 👶🏻🥰

Me and Ryan had decided that we didn’t want to know the gender of the baby, we wanted this to be a surprise and after speaking to so many people – we thought this was the best decision. One person said; ‘it’s like opening a Christmas present early, you just have to wait a few months to find out what it is’ this was the best advice that we had been given.

We set out and bought all neutral clothes, all grey and white accessories and I absolutely loved that theme anyway.

I would say I had an extremely smooth pregnancy with Amelia, i had no problems at all..I worked right up until I was 36 weeks! We broke up for the Christmas holidays and that was the start of my maternity leave.

We’d been and looked around Blackburn Birthing Centre and decided that this was the place where we wanted to bring our child into the world. It was soooo calm and relaxing and didn’t at all feel like a hospital at all!

We spent our first Christmas as a couple with both of our families and had the most perfect couple of days.

New Years Eve come around and ryan went out for a few hours with his friends, he come to my mums house where I was and we played a few games – I was getting a few twinges, I just thought that they was braxton hicks.

New Years Day came and I got up…ryan had a slight hangover so I went downstairs and sorted some washing out, bounced on my birthing ball and then my waters broke 🙈 I shouted ryan and as he was hungover he told me to get back in bed and wait for things to move on.

I got in the shower and then went back to bed. I woke up at around 12 in the afternoon with THE most horrendous pains!!!! I was in agony – but still managed to straighten my hair!

We called the hospital and set off…we was so apprehensive about what was about to happen. We didn’t go to any antenatal classes I was so scared about what was going to happen.

We arrived at the birthing centre at 2:10pm ryan had forgotten the white book so my dad had to bring that in and they wouldn’t give me any pain relief until I had my book…😩😩😩 I was measured when I got to the birthing centre and I was 6cm dilated🙈

They ran me the birthing pool and I got in…I then had the urge to push a few breaths on gas and air and our little bean was here!!!

As we didn’t know what we was having I wanted ryan to tell me what the baby was…

I asked him and he was crying that much he couldn’t get his words out 🤣 so funny when we look back now..IT WAS A GIRL…a little girl, born at 4:10pm weighing 7lb 11oz.

She was the most perfect thing we had ever laid our eyes on, thick brown/black hair and looked just like her daddy…isn’t it funny, mums spend all this time cooking the baby, being pregnant for 9 months for the baby to come out looking just like their dad!

We had the most perfect experience an amazing water birth and I was so lucky to have such a short labour.

We spent our first night in the birthing centre, they had the most amazing room what new parents can stay in – it had a double bed so we could relax and just enjoy being parents.

We loved our little newborn bubble ❤️